I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
