Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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