I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Come see our sink grown plant.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
