tell your sister to shave her snatch
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
