My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
