Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
