Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
