There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
