you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
