I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
