K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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