Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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