And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
