I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
