I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
