I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
