he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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