Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
