I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
we should paint friendship bongs
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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