Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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