Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
