I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
