Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
