Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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