in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.