I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You took a bar mat shot.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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