Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
