I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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