Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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