OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
