She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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