This is not my ceiling
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
