i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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