Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize