had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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