u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
