what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
