booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
