So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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