sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
