how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
