Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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