HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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