I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
