if you like me you must not know who I am
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
