Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just cut my nipple shaving
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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