I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
