I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
