Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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