I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
