I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
