Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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