You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
