I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
how drunk are you?
Several
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
