you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i need some magic done to my vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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