Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
