U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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