You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
