I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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