So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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